What weighs on a woman's mind

Dear Men,

If you feel a conversation like the one below is crazy, you are not alone. It frequently takes place between a thin girl and a "healthy" one. I call it the classic conversation between the jealous and the delusional.

What you see:

What they mean:

I hope this helps. This is the best I could explain it. 

Yours truly,

The FT

Happy Easter!

And today has been...

This happens a lot. 
You ask someone how their day has been and it's common to hear that that someone is having a blah day. 
What is this "blah"?
Well, this word is probably not defined in the Oxford Dictionary.
It is not a sound. Definitely not a sound that the black sheep makes. (The rhyme goes: ba ba blacksheep and not blah blah black sheep.)
I wouldn't be surprised if the black sheep did that one day. They could be mutant sheep. They could talk. And turn invisible. We could call them the X-sheep. But could they have a Wolverine? I mean wolf eat sheep. Maybe Wolverine would be the evil mutant sheep...
STOP. THIS IS MAJOR DIGRESSION.
The film would open on sheep grazing on a radio active field...
OK THAT'S IT.
STOP.
GOOD. 
ALRIGHT. Back to my point. 
According to the FT (Note my attempt to make the Fickle Tickle sound like a cool and established brand) blah should not be defined.
In fact, that's the beauty of blah.
Undefined.
Unlimited.
And uncomfortable. 
Yes, very uncomfortable. 
Rarely are you at ease when you are blah.
It's a time when you just want to exist. Not live. But exist. 
To help you understand the reason for the 'blahness' I put down a list of possible causes. It could be just one cause out of that list.
Or it could be a combination of few. Then we would call it 'Super blahness' and you would end up having a super blah day.
If it is a result of all the causes, and I hope for your good health and well being that it is not, you would be experiencing The Ultimate Blahness. If you are exposed to this for too long, it would most certainly cause mental death. Oh my, I'm shuddering as I type. 


Anyways, the first three are physical causes and could be:
A hangover.
PMS. (If you are a girl. Actually, even if you are a guy. No, guys don't bloat or have madly fluctuating hormones to worry about. But they seem to show all the symptoms of an impending monthly crisis.)
Dehydrated. (Mostly because of your hangover. Ok seriously I should stop with the allusions to alcohol in almost every post. I'm not an alcoholic. I would like to be but I'm not too fond of liver damage.)



The mental causes. (These are more fundamental.) 
Boredom. 
You have seen it all. 
Done it all.
Heard it all.
There is no news.
No breaking news.
No earth shattering news.
No heart breaking news.
No love making news.
No news on the newsfeed.
No new texts.
No new phonecalls.
No news about your ex.
No news about your potential.
Nothing new about your current.
You have refreshed his or her facebook page a million times.
You have refreshed your own page a zillion times.
No new likes.
No new tweets.
No new beats.
No news at all.



Addicted aren't we?  
Always expecting something. 
Always waiting.
Always wondering. 
It's honestly exhausting.

Before I wrote this page,
I checked my phone, my mail, my social networking accounts.
The tv, the radio, the magazines, the newspapers.


And suddenly this wave of ultimate blahness swept over me and I began typing this new post...

If you search for "noncommittal" on Google, you will find a man.

Women have very low expectations

Drunken stupidity

Drunk driving is a serious offence. People do it without clearly understanding the consequences of their irresponsible actions. However, the intake of alcohol can also lead to another problem of modern society, which I feel needs to be given some serious attention.


It's a disease that never existed before we could hold cell phones in one hand and a Long Island Iced Tea in another. And nobody understands the seriousness of this problem. I mean there have been enough number of  public service advertisements on "do not drink and drive" but whoever thought of warning us about the perils of drinking and dialing.

Yes, drunk dialing is also an offence. To society. To yourself. And most definitely the person you have called. 

It starts like this:
You are usually two to three drinks down when this very innocent question creeps into your mind.
What is that person-im-so-not-supposed-to-call upto? 
After one more drink.
Will he or she or it be thinking about you?
After the seventh shot.
Where is my phone?


And what's the flawed logic swimming in the alcohol floating in the folds of your brain? I'M DRUNK SO ITS ALLOWED. 


Well YOU are drunk, and guess what it is more likely for you to forget the waste of a call or conversation, but that person is sober and will remember everything. 
Right from the fact that you ACTUALLY called.
That's ego boosting factor number 1. 


Now, ego boosting factor number 2. Your absolute confession of the fact that you want to kill him/her or that you have just realised how much you really miss/love/cannot-enjoy-that-9th drink without that person.


Ego Boosting Factor number 3: you would be rather talking on the phone than enjoying wherever you are (and I'm hoping that you aren't drinking alone in a bedroom). So "wherever"  includes a pub, friend's house, your house but with friends over or in some really sad cases your current bf/gf's place.

The above factors are enough to give that person a high. They might feel bad for you but they aren't in most cases going to do shit about it. So stop CALLING. Sometimes they are annoyed because they might be having a better time and the sorriness of your situation probably obligates them to talk to you even though you are speaking ABSOLUTE GIBBERISH. But they will love every moment of that conversation because of all the attention that is being showered on them. All thanks to your stupidity.

And where does that leave you. The drunken diallers. In this case you are the victims of the crime that you commit. You are the only ones responsible for the regret you feel the next day. And honestly, it is so not pretty. 


Not the sight of you sobbing (with snot in your nose) or the sight of you trying to snatch back your phone from your friend's hand. Nor the desperation in your voice when you beg your friend for that one call that might save you from a life of loneliness. Well, your friend is probably doing just that. But saving you from more important things. From sounding like a loser. 


So snap out of it. 


Enjoy that drink. 


And keep that phone away. 

Decoding Posers

In case you don't know who a poser is, you will figure it out soon. And surprisingly you will find a lot of them around you. 

Below is a typical example of how a poser might talk at a local bar.
The part in brackets is what he wants to say in all that talk.


Poser: Oh hello,I'm sorry I was late.
(Check out my watch by the way)
Got caught up in a meeting.
(They need me at work) 
But from today I'm on leave. I am going to Mexico!
(Sounds exotic enough? Also i have already updated my status on FB as "Mexico, baby!")
Can't wait to take a break.
(I work a lot. You should know this.)
So what's up with you?
(Lets not make this all about me.)


Friend: I am all set to go trekking on the weekend.


Poser: Really. That's awesome.
(Time to use the most useless and useful word)
Really awesome.
(One more time)
This reminds me of the time I was Jet Skiing in Hawaii.
(Jet ski and Hawaii. Two birds with one stone.)
We were so smashed. I hardly remember a thing.
(But i remember enough to tell you.)
Oops sorry.
(Enter my smartphone. Because I'm smart.)
Hey sweetie..
(My gf/bf/dog)
yup I'll call you back soon.
(Dude, I'm too much in demand.)
We haven't ordered yet. LIIT? Cosmo?
(I do know the names.)
Oh you should try the wines. Hey Santosh, can you get me Sula Late harvest.
(I'm a regular and I know exotic wines not available on the menu)
Thanks santosh.
So where were we?
(What were we talking about me?)