You can thank me later

Dear Men,

I understand that you hate reading. Before picking up any book or checking out any article, you will see how long it is and then decide whether it can be read. It's as if your interest levels are always inversely proportionate to the length of the book, post or even your girlfriend's skirt.

But stick around till the end of this one. I know it is terribly long. However, you will see that patience pays.
This post is full of pieces of wisdom that women don't talk about.

These are

Ten things that women will never tell you. But will expect you to know.*

*These are not endorsed by anyone else but the Fickle Tickle. You can try this on your own. Although the tips are subject to risks which I'm not aware of. Not market risks. For God's sake, everything is not subject to market risks.

1) Do not woo the girl:
The biggest mistake any man makes is that he woos his woman. What you actually do is set yourself up for failure later. If you have ever been in a relationship there is a 90 percent chance you have heard a sentence starting this way, " Oh, when we first dating, you used to...". Go ahead. Complete that one on your own. You know,
a) wait hours for her call
b) wait days for her to get ready for a party
c) asked about her imaginary friend (without freaking out)
Who the hell told you to do all this? Right from the beginning of the interaction do not do anything that is uncharacteristic of you. Because once you seal the deal, you will have to maintain it. So it's better for you to not to become the Prince Charming that she expects. Atleast, later she won't nag you about how she wants the man she fell in love with. She doesn't realise that he died as soon as she decided to be with him.

2) Do not give her what she wants:
Men always want to know what the woman wants. Well, be happy you don't know that. She wants a lot. A whole lot. Do not give it to her. If a woman gets what she wants she will get bored. Yes. Bored.
Be unpredictable. Sometimes give her exactly what she wants but most of the times don't. Keep her on the edge. She doesn't know it that drama is a big part of her life. She would feel incomplete without it. So be the asshole and let her play victim at regular intervals. There is always a charm in making up, that she cannot resist.

3) Compliment her. Even if she's ungrateful.
This I have the men to blame. To get your way, you guys can give such baseless compliments, that women have grown cynical. They just can't believe a word you say anymore. A genuine compliment is hard to come by. So even if you are being genuine in your praise, she will look for the ulterior motive. More often than not, she finds it. And more often than not, there is one. However, you have to continue with the compliments. Even if she never thanks you. Even if she thinks you're lying. Continue with the compliments. She's just fishing for more. So repeat this in your head again. Continue with the compliments. Continue with the compliments.

4) Never give her time to think
Women think. About everything. From the molehill to the mountain, they think of it all. Keep this in mind, if your woman has communicated with you via text, mail or even a call, do reply to it within three hours. If you don't reply to her and she has't asked why via text, mail and another phone call, then I'm sorry to inform you that you are in deep trouble. She has thought about everything. About how you don't give her time. How she should have seen this coming. How she feels taken for granted. How she feels that this relationship is on the verge of getting over. You now know where the phrase, "the calm before the storm" comes from.
What should you do to prevent such natural disasters? Always interject these thoughts with random texts, mails or calls. It helps. She's thinking about that piece of communication now. She's distracted. You've given her something to think about. She's at peace now. Atleast for some time. Do keep a bank of things to say that confuse her. Your life will be sorted.

5) Do something publicly
Most of you already know this one, but I think it's important to reiterate this. Atleast once in the relationship express your love publicly. Send flowers to her office, serenade her at the Karaoke night or just do something   so romantically cheesy that she looks so embarrassed that you fear she might call it off. But guess what? She loves it. Deep down she adores this. It won't cost you much in terms of money. However, it could cost you your manly reputation. But trust me this goes a long way.  Ok, I'll say it in a language you will understand - It's a small investment to secure your future.

I know you are tired reading or comprehending the kind of intellectual information I have just imparted.
Take a break. Read it over and over again till you can pass this on as if it's your own advice.
The next five tips will be posted next week.

Good luck till then.

Yours truly,
The Fickle Tickle

Parents say the darndest things

This is probably one of the funniest true stories I have heard in my life.

My mom's friend once narrated an incident that took place when she was on vacation.
She, her two daughters and her husband were relaxing on the beaches of Thailand when this happened.

Now, as you might be aware, that beaches abroad allow people to tan their whole body.
And I mean their whole body.
To ensure, that they receive an even tan, some ladies prefer to keep just the one part of their swimsuits on.
Which part that is, will be clarified in the next thirty seconds.

The two extremely young daughters, run about the beach completely unaware about the adult female human body. To be fair, they were extremely young. And to be fairer they were girls. Not boys.

After two minutes, they run back to their mother, terrified and traumatized.
"Mom!", they exclaim, "You know, you know..."
Their mother seeing the state they were in was visibly concerned,
"There are ladies on this beach whose lungs have fallen out!"

My mom's friend took a few seconds to understand the problem. Or actually to figure out how to explain what those lungs actually were.

But her husband came to her rescue immediately.
Lovingly he told them,"Girls, next time you see such women, just come to me and tell me where they are. I'll go help them out.".

Yes, there is one thing better than concerned and loving parents.
Parents with a great sense of humor.





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The Indian Clubbing Scene

Have you ever walked into an Indian club?


No. There are no super models who have a naughty smile on their face every time you look at them.
No. There are no men, who come up to you to make interesting conversation.
No. You will not find the "one" there.
No. Not everyone is not going to love what you are wearing.
No. This is not going to be the night of your life.


Chances are.
You will be bored.
You will want to shoot the drunk friend who can't stop talking.
You won't be able to shut him/her up over the LOUD music. Infact, it will be tough to hear your own thoughts over that level of sound.
And you will have to hold something in your hand. A smoke. A drink. A girl. A phone. Try standing in a club without any of these and you will feel like we have stripped off your clothes. Do try it next time and feel your self esteem get lowered.


Chances are you will find such characters:


Garba Girls: a bunch of girls who keep their bags in the middle and dance in a circle. Sometimes the steps seem to be predetermined.


The poser couple: A couple who will stand close to each other and look everywhere except into each other's eyes.


The Dancer: A girl or a guy, who thinks their audition for "You think you can dance" is happening right there.(Yes.They will mostly hurt you when they are dancing and you will feel like hitting them back.)


The Creep: A guy who holds his beer and stands towards the edge of the bar. You know he's not with anyone and so does he.


The photo uploaders: The girls who love to pose for pictures every two seconds so that they can subtly boast about what a great time they had. By the way, you find these pictures everywhere on Facebook. Its the same pose. The same smiles. The same drunk eyes.


The Aunties: The kitty party now makes its way to the club. These are forty somethings who hold cocktails and smile to show they are enjoying themselves. If we are lucky we catch them sometimes grooving to " My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard".


The Kids: The trendy super models with braces. Their stilettos are more expensive than your entire outfit. Their behavior louder than the music. Usually seen with boys who have just hit puberty with ill fitting clothes and facial hair equivalent to a girl who hasn't threaded her upper lip area for 2 months. 


And finally,
Us: The ones who watch all this and think "what the hell is wrong with them". 


The ones who fail to realise that that's what everyone in that club is thinking.