Voice

"Tina Ghudiyal is a poet at heart, and a procrastinator by choice. But she manages to find few hours to write copy at Soso's Creative Agency. 

It's common to see such sign offs by writers today. In columns, in blogs and every other place that a writer is trying to be creative.

Trying. To be creative.

You read something like that for the first time and it's like that smile which never makes it to becoming a full fledged laugh.

It's like ha funny. Not a hahahahahahhahahaahhah funny. (A friend described one of my previous posts like this once. I was disheartened. But today I know what she means.) 

No offence to the first person who signed off like that. The first clever man or woman, who decided to assert his or her identity in a rather original manner.

It was new and charming. 

Today, when I read it for the fifteenth time I pity that fine writer who unknowingly invented a formula. 

Now when Anil, the vacationer at his vocation signs off his article in any media, a part of me pities him.

To have a voice of your own as a writer is rather difficult.

You have to speak different words.

Have a unique tone. Use a sensible volume. 

And it has to be done in all honesty.

Being honest in communication, might come naturally. But to stay honest is a task.

It's easy to start sounding like an advertisement you've heard.

It's tempting to entertain an audience always waiting to laugh, cry or comment.

It's daunting to make a statement without expecting a reaction. 

Or fearing ridicule. 

Writing in your own voice is one of the hardest things to do.

You need to discover who you are, in order to know what you want to say to everyone.

You need to master the skill of catching the thoughts that fall out of your brain and keeping them close.

When you put together those words to form a piece of art it becomes a precious treasure. A classic.
And you would gladly read it again and again, just to appreciate the sound the words make in your head.Now if you can do all of this, if you can write like that with just pure heart and no head, I sincerely request you to not sign off with something this unoriginal.

-Neelie is a part time adult and a full time dreamer, hoping to find a voice of her own.

I sound so cool.

You can thank me now

Dear Men,

Thank you for the great response on the earlier post. Most of you didn't share it because you wanted to be ahead of your competition and I understand that. If you are among the few who haven't read the earlier post, I suggest you do read it, to put this post into context. For the ones who have already read it, I'm, sorry I made you wait very long for the last five tips. Well, there were so many great tips , but I could only shortlist 5. So here they are. Simple to follow and easy to remember. Enjoy.

6) Women can’t handle criticism. Even if it is honest and necessary. Don’t give in, when she says, “It’s ok you can tell me. If you think I”ve put on weight, just tell me."

WARNING: Don’t.

It will come back and bite you in some way or the other. Your girlfriend is Karma. And you remember what karma is?

Handle this situation by sugarcoating the “constructive criticism”. Follow it immediately by bringing up a random bad comment on a girl she dislikes. It's an awesome distraction and make-her-feel-good tool.

7) Know her dates. 88% of successful boyfriends who know their girlfriend's dates, do a brilliant job in managing them. The girls, not the dates. PMS is not a myth like the lochness monster. It is very much alive, at least for a week every month. It takes the form of your girlfriend. It possesses her. Try and avoid confrontations with her during this time. Actually try and avoid her. (If you have no idea what I meant by "dates", you do not deserve to gain more knowledge regarding girls.)

8) Don't talk about the ex. Even if she presses you for it or thinks you have a reached this wonderful point in your relationship where exes can be discussed and praised, leave the conversation, or the room , or the country if you have to. No matter what you say about your ex, she will unnecessarily read between the sentences, the words and the letters. If you bitch about your ex, you will look like the loser. If you praise her, you will be the loser.

9) Do not attempt to multitask. Guys suck at doing two things at one time. (Sometimes I wonder why they dream of threesomes.) Remember, when you are not paying complete attention to your lady-friend, she knows. No you cannot watch TV and talk to her at the same time. No you cannot drive and attempt to listen to her at the same time. It's impossible for you and she knows that too well. Stick to doing just one thing at a time and I promise you peace.

10) The last tip is solely meant for just one male. You know who you are, so here goes:  You will not try and out-think me. You will never have the upper hand. You cannot get away with loopholes in your argument by quoting my blog posts. I am right and you are wrong. Most importantly, the previous 9 tips were not meant for you.

To the rest of the male species, best of luck. 

You can thank me later

Dear Men,

I understand that you hate reading. Before picking up any book or checking out any article, you will see how long it is and then decide whether it can be read. It's as if your interest levels are always inversely proportionate to the length of the book, post or even your girlfriend's skirt.

But stick around till the end of this one. I know it is terribly long. However, you will see that patience pays.
This post is full of pieces of wisdom that women don't talk about.

These are

Ten things that women will never tell you. But will expect you to know.*

*These are not endorsed by anyone else but the Fickle Tickle. You can try this on your own. Although the tips are subject to risks which I'm not aware of. Not market risks. For God's sake, everything is not subject to market risks.

1) Do not woo the girl:
The biggest mistake any man makes is that he woos his woman. What you actually do is set yourself up for failure later. If you have ever been in a relationship there is a 90 percent chance you have heard a sentence starting this way, " Oh, when we first dating, you used to...". Go ahead. Complete that one on your own. You know,
a) wait hours for her call
b) wait days for her to get ready for a party
c) asked about her imaginary friend (without freaking out)
Who the hell told you to do all this? Right from the beginning of the interaction do not do anything that is uncharacteristic of you. Because once you seal the deal, you will have to maintain it. So it's better for you to not to become the Prince Charming that she expects. Atleast, later she won't nag you about how she wants the man she fell in love with. She doesn't realise that he died as soon as she decided to be with him.

2) Do not give her what she wants:
Men always want to know what the woman wants. Well, be happy you don't know that. She wants a lot. A whole lot. Do not give it to her. If a woman gets what she wants she will get bored. Yes. Bored.
Be unpredictable. Sometimes give her exactly what she wants but most of the times don't. Keep her on the edge. She doesn't know it that drama is a big part of her life. She would feel incomplete without it. So be the asshole and let her play victim at regular intervals. There is always a charm in making up, that she cannot resist.

3) Compliment her. Even if she's ungrateful.
This I have the men to blame. To get your way, you guys can give such baseless compliments, that women have grown cynical. They just can't believe a word you say anymore. A genuine compliment is hard to come by. So even if you are being genuine in your praise, she will look for the ulterior motive. More often than not, she finds it. And more often than not, there is one. However, you have to continue with the compliments. Even if she never thanks you. Even if she thinks you're lying. Continue with the compliments. She's just fishing for more. So repeat this in your head again. Continue with the compliments. Continue with the compliments.

4) Never give her time to think
Women think. About everything. From the molehill to the mountain, they think of it all. Keep this in mind, if your woman has communicated with you via text, mail or even a call, do reply to it within three hours. If you don't reply to her and she has't asked why via text, mail and another phone call, then I'm sorry to inform you that you are in deep trouble. She has thought about everything. About how you don't give her time. How she should have seen this coming. How she feels taken for granted. How she feels that this relationship is on the verge of getting over. You now know where the phrase, "the calm before the storm" comes from.
What should you do to prevent such natural disasters? Always interject these thoughts with random texts, mails or calls. It helps. She's thinking about that piece of communication now. She's distracted. You've given her something to think about. She's at peace now. Atleast for some time. Do keep a bank of things to say that confuse her. Your life will be sorted.

5) Do something publicly
Most of you already know this one, but I think it's important to reiterate this. Atleast once in the relationship express your love publicly. Send flowers to her office, serenade her at the Karaoke night or just do something   so romantically cheesy that she looks so embarrassed that you fear she might call it off. But guess what? She loves it. Deep down she adores this. It won't cost you much in terms of money. However, it could cost you your manly reputation. But trust me this goes a long way.  Ok, I'll say it in a language you will understand - It's a small investment to secure your future.

I know you are tired reading or comprehending the kind of intellectual information I have just imparted.
Take a break. Read it over and over again till you can pass this on as if it's your own advice.
The next five tips will be posted next week.

Good luck till then.

Yours truly,
The Fickle Tickle

Parents say the darndest things

This is probably one of the funniest true stories I have heard in my life.

My mom's friend once narrated an incident that took place when she was on vacation.
She, her two daughters and her husband were relaxing on the beaches of Thailand when this happened.

Now, as you might be aware, that beaches abroad allow people to tan their whole body.
And I mean their whole body.
To ensure, that they receive an even tan, some ladies prefer to keep just the one part of their swimsuits on.
Which part that is, will be clarified in the next thirty seconds.

The two extremely young daughters, run about the beach completely unaware about the adult female human body. To be fair, they were extremely young. And to be fairer they were girls. Not boys.

After two minutes, they run back to their mother, terrified and traumatized.
"Mom!", they exclaim, "You know, you know..."
Their mother seeing the state they were in was visibly concerned,
"There are ladies on this beach whose lungs have fallen out!"

My mom's friend took a few seconds to understand the problem. Or actually to figure out how to explain what those lungs actually were.

But her husband came to her rescue immediately.
Lovingly he told them,"Girls, next time you see such women, just come to me and tell me where they are. I'll go help them out.".

Yes, there is one thing better than concerned and loving parents.
Parents with a great sense of humor.





.

The Indian Clubbing Scene

Have you ever walked into an Indian club?


No. There are no super models who have a naughty smile on their face every time you look at them.
No. There are no men, who come up to you to make interesting conversation.
No. You will not find the "one" there.
No. Not everyone is not going to love what you are wearing.
No. This is not going to be the night of your life.


Chances are.
You will be bored.
You will want to shoot the drunk friend who can't stop talking.
You won't be able to shut him/her up over the LOUD music. Infact, it will be tough to hear your own thoughts over that level of sound.
And you will have to hold something in your hand. A smoke. A drink. A girl. A phone. Try standing in a club without any of these and you will feel like we have stripped off your clothes. Do try it next time and feel your self esteem get lowered.


Chances are you will find such characters:


Garba Girls: a bunch of girls who keep their bags in the middle and dance in a circle. Sometimes the steps seem to be predetermined.


The poser couple: A couple who will stand close to each other and look everywhere except into each other's eyes.


The Dancer: A girl or a guy, who thinks their audition for "You think you can dance" is happening right there.(Yes.They will mostly hurt you when they are dancing and you will feel like hitting them back.)


The Creep: A guy who holds his beer and stands towards the edge of the bar. You know he's not with anyone and so does he.


The photo uploaders: The girls who love to pose for pictures every two seconds so that they can subtly boast about what a great time they had. By the way, you find these pictures everywhere on Facebook. Its the same pose. The same smiles. The same drunk eyes.


The Aunties: The kitty party now makes its way to the club. These are forty somethings who hold cocktails and smile to show they are enjoying themselves. If we are lucky we catch them sometimes grooving to " My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard".


The Kids: The trendy super models with braces. Their stilettos are more expensive than your entire outfit. Their behavior louder than the music. Usually seen with boys who have just hit puberty with ill fitting clothes and facial hair equivalent to a girl who hasn't threaded her upper lip area for 2 months. 


And finally,
Us: The ones who watch all this and think "what the hell is wrong with them". 


The ones who fail to realise that that's what everyone in that club is thinking.

Honk away

 

Torn Shorts

Once upon a time, I used to take tutions to learn a computer language.
It was the C language.
Wait, I think it was it C++.
No it was C. 
I guess the lesson here is that we rarely remember what we are supposed to learn and some of the most random memories are what we take back at the end of the class.
My teacher, Mrs. Roy, was one of my favorites. 
In her two hour class I learned more about life's code than the code that designed computer software.  
One such evening she told us the sweetest story about her friend and her 13 year old daughter.
This daughter had fallen in love and had the courage to tell her mum that.
Most moms flip out. 
Most would say that it's not allowed. 
Few would even hire a private detective. 
But thankfully this is the story her mom told her. 


When we go shopping, we seem to like everything. 
Sometimes we buy that pink scarf or the small purse we think is essential to complete our wardrobe. 
We have to have it.
Life would seem meaningless without it. And so would our dreams.
We buy it and take it home.
And a few days later we don't like it that much.
We wonder why we had bought it in the first place.
In a matter of two days we fall out of love with it. 


However, tucked away in our drawers are those pieces of clothing we just can't part with. 
Those torn shorts. 
That souvenir extra large T-shirt.
That 10 year old skirt that still seems to fit. 
No matter what people say we love to wear them. 
We sleep in them. 
We go out in them. 
We can't leave them.
It's the same thing with boys. 
Some are so attractive that we have to have them only to realise that they never really suited us. 
And then there are those torn shorts. 
Those that don't look perfect at all. 
We love them despite of anyone telling us otherwise. 
Those are the ones we have to find. 
There is nothing to worry about, baby. 
This guy can be a gaudy pink scarf or could be well on his way of becoming those torn shorts. 
Either way, it's ok. 
Just hang on to the shorts when you find them.


I love this story. It's simple and sweet. 
Not preachy. Not dictatorial.
Just plain advice from a friend more than a parent. 


The Fickle Tickle piece of advice on this advice:
"The day you realise that those shorts are so torn that they can't cover your arse;
it's time to let go."

;)